


Men are Such Babies

by tresa_cho



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Crack, Gender Related, Hurt/Comfort, Menstruation, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-16
Updated: 2012-02-16
Packaged: 2017-10-31 06:36:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tresa_cho/pseuds/tresa_cho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An alien whammy renders Jim capable of the super fun point in a woman's month. He does not handle it well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Men are Such Babies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rawr_balrog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rawr_balrog/gifts).



> Written for rawr_balrog who is having the unfortunate case of the Period. Based on true experiences of my past menstruations. Fun times.

The stomach pains started on a Saturday. They were mild and intermittent, so Jim didn't think anything of it. Nor did he worry about the migraine that forced him to bed early on Monday.

He woke up Tuesday morning to blood on his sheets.

It wasn't much, but the pain in his stomach had increased exponentially. He moaned, rolling onto his belly slowly, taking care not to use any muscles beneath his shoulders. The warmth helped only slightly. A chill quaked down his spine and nausea clamped down hard on his stomach.

He slid from the bed, wobbling on weak legs to the head. He collapsed on the floor and retched into the toilet.

“Shit.” He leaned against the bowl panting. Forehead on cool porcelain, he saw where the blood was coming from. “Shit. Shit.”

Shaking fingers scrabbled at the waist of his pants, pushing and kicking until they slid across the floor and he tumbled into the shower. He sprawled on the floor of the shower watching blood ooze sluggishly from his limp prick.

“Water on,” he said hoarsely. The hot spray hit him solidly in the chest and he groaned.

That was how Spock, Nyota, and Bones found him a few minutes later. He blinked up through the steam at them and moaned pitifully.

“What did you do to yourself now?” Bones crouched beside the shower and turned the water off. A pitiful mewl rose over the sound of dripping water, and Jim realised it was him. “Where does it hurt?”

“Can't feel my legs,” Jim said. “Hurts everywhere, Bones.”

“Jim, where does it hurt?”

Jim rested a hand over his abdomen and drew a leg up. Nyota sank to her knees and rested one hand on the wall. “Jim, you said you were hurting the last few days, right?” she asked. Jim nodded miserably. “And you had a migraine yesterday.” He nodded again. “And you're cramping, and bleeding out of your... intimate parts.”

“No, there's no way-” Bones started, catching on.

“What else could it be?” Nyota said. “We just visited a planet where the society necessitated wombs in certain men.”

“What are you talking about?” Jim asked, shivering. Nyota pushed Bones out of the shower and turned the spray back on.

“Nyota and the good doctor believe you are menstruating,” Spock provided. Jim let his head fall against the shower wall as the air steamed around him.

“I'm hallucinating,” Jim decided. “I've come down with some horrible alien disease and I'm hallucinating. Bones, you have to save me.”

Bones tutted. “If Uhura's diagnosis is correct, you're not dying, and she's the most capable one to help you right now.”

“But I threw up,” Jim said weakly.

“Yes, love, that happens sometimes,” Nyota said gently, soothing his hair down. “Just be lucky you can't get tender breasts. Here, stand up. It'll help more if the water hits your back. Up, come on.”

She manuevered him until his hands were on the wall, back to the hot water. The warmth dulled some of the pain to a tolerable, bone-deep ache. “Bones, give me drugs,” Jim said.

“I'm not giving you prescription pain killers for onset of menstruation,” Bones said. “I'm going to have Sulu contact the peoples and see if we can get this reversed. Nyota, call me if you need anything.”

She nodded and her hand left Jim's back. He heard her rummaging through the medicine drawer, and she returned with ibuprofen and a glass. He swallowed the pills with a grimace. She tugged her fingers through damp hair before turning to Spock. “Can you set up a hot water bottle and tea. We're going to need lots and lots of tea. You can break out the whiskey, too. The captain's taking a sick day.”

Jim groaned his approval, resting his forehead against the shower wall.

“You can't stay in there forever, Jim,” Nyota said, turning the water off. Jim scowled at her, but she held up his towel expectantly. He stepped from the shower, shivering slightly, and Nyota wrapped him in the towel.

Spock hovered in the door, something dangling from his hand. Jim stared at it.

“Is that... a diaper?”

“Since normal means of collecting blood is not applicable, I felt this was the most appropriate solution given the allotted time.” Spock hesitated, as if realising Jim was displeased. “I also changed the sheets so you may rest.”

“Put it on, Jim,” Nyota said. “And a loose pair of sleep pants. Nothing that's going to press against your abdomen.”

Jim felt heat rise to his face despite his shivers, and snatched the diaper from Spock. He put it on, balancing on unsteady legs, and followed Nyota into the bedroom. She tossed a pair of slacks at him, but he only managed one leg before collapsing on his back on the bed.

“Tired.”

“No, not tired. Fatigued,” Nyota said. “The pain killer, blood loss, and hormones.” She shoved his other leg into the soft cloth and pushed him under the covers. She took the hot water bottle from Spock and rested it against a cloth on Jim's gut, and then wrapped the blankets around him firmly.

“Nngh. I want to die.” Jim groaned and shifted restlessly under the covers. The pain killers hit his body like a ton of bricks, and he felt loose, almost disconnected from his body. The pain was still there, but it was manageable, and he was so warm and so comfortable...

He woke up disoriented, pawing for the edge of the stifling blankets. Something heavy was on his stomach. Heavy and warm.

“Seriously, Kirk, you are such a wuss.” Nyota perched on the edge of the bed, watching him. Jim blinked at her before remembering what had happened.

“I'm in pain,” he said weakly. “In pain and _bleeding_. I feel like-”

“Someone is reaching into your guts and squeezing them? Yeah, I think I got it,” she said sharply. “I'm pretty sure I know what it feels like.”

“I threw up!” Jim said, aghast.

“Cry me a river,” Nyota said. “Do you remember what you made me do the last time I had my period?”

Jim hesitated, sinking against his pillow warily.

“Haul cargo,” she said. “Heavy cargo. Liquid.”

“You don't get it that bad,” Jim said uncertainly. Nyota lifted an eyebrow at him.

“You're a moron,” she said. “I get it just as bad. So does Christine, and Janice, and every single other female on this ship. The difference is, we've learned to function because we have to. Because you men _don't get it_.”

Jim was silent. Behind Nyota, Spock loomed, two steaming mugs in his hand. Nyota turned and took one, handing it off to Jim.

“Hot tea and whiskey. I'd offer you chocolate but I'd rather you not upchuck it all over the clean covers,” Nyota said.

That's when Jim Got It.

“We don't do this for you,” he said slowly. Nyota flicked her hair over her shoulder.

“Right in one, oh manly captain of mine.”

A fresh sweep of pain tightened in Jim's gut and he breathed harshly through it. When it passed, he closed his eyes. “Paid time off, once a month, for all the women crew. Make a note of it, Spock.”

“Noted, Captain.”

Nyota let an almost-smile lift her lips. “Drink your booze. You're going back to sleep. You still have a few hours before your next round of shower and ibuprofen.”

Jim downed the tea and fell to his side, curling slightly around Nyota. She sat beside him and sang softly, running her fingers through his hair as he drifted off again.


End file.
